Unexpected poetry

Just some light academic humor. Enjoy, and please don't take too seriously!

He rode to war with pen in hand,
And worthy paper foes he slew.
The ivory warlords could not stand;
In alma mater, foreign land,
And even in the journals grand,
The deepest minds he did subdue.

But one blow made it through his shield;
An enemy -- Reviewer Two.
This sagged beast refused to yield,
Indeed would never leave the field.
Retired, to his lair he wheeled
To cry, "Revise! More data, too".

The crotchety reviewer aimed,
And academic blood he drew.
That editors, so bowed and shamed,
Permit prestige concerns so lame,
Our hero quipped -- "The rig is gamed!
Lord, let me live through this review".

But Lord The Editor is fickle.
What carest he for a career?
Or research slowing to a trickle?
Or that the cost's a good grant nickel?
All for the sake of one small stickle,
From some old man who needs a beer.

Such struggles ever heroes make.
As our man set his will, he knew --
Reviewers do not bend, they break.
What won't one do for science' sake?
And so, with guilty, heart-filled ache,
He puckered up and bought a brew.

Like dragons, all reviewers crave
Is for their belly to be rubbed.
Throw them citations, and they cave
To heroes valiant and brave,
Or just one who, a willing knave,
Is, at a conference, up for grub.

Why, does our story disagree?
Nepotic networks pull one through!
Didst thou think the academy
Does not reward skullduggery?
Well, then may your sweet soul be free
To act a mite bit differently,
When at your desk, reviewing me,
You see your name -- Reviewer Two.